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Prediction: You Will Want To Try Everyone Of These 5 Single-Malts

on 19/01/11 at 6:20 pm


After reading these reviews, even if you don’t like scotch, you’ll want to try every one of them. If you don’t, you’ll have a great time reading about them. ~ BoozeNews

Liquor-snobs beware!

Every sum’bitch that has a negative comment about the single-malts referenced in this installment of “More reasons Scotch is cooler than Wine” can kiss my ass.  All you guys (and without any research whatsoever, I can predict with a 98.76% degree of accuracy that if you’re a liquor snob, you’re also a dude) just need to chill-the-f*@#-out and get over yourselves.  No, I haven’t tried the 69yr old, Glenfuck’n-in-the-attic Islay that Captain Pike strained through a Pirate flag before he single-handedly, knife-clenched-in-teeth, decimated the Klingon horde.  Yes, I get it that you think that because you have it makes you cool.  Let the record state that (1) it doesn’t, but that (2) I get it that you think it does.

Moving on…

Having reclaimed the moral high-ground from the ne’er-do-well liquor-snobs, I think it’s philosophically responsible – nay, required – that I point out the obvious: drinking Scotch is fuckin-A-cool, no matter which make & model you choose.  And I’ll even extend that graciousness all the way down to you scourge-of-humanity, blended-drinking-vermin.  (I’m lookin’ at YOU Tommy W.  You know who you are.)  So come all ye’ faithful and *** all you playful, it’s time to get down to the bizness at hand.

Glenmorangie  12This scotch is better than porn.  In fact, it’s not only better than porn, it’s better than internet porn.  And considering that 192% of all internet traffic either originates from porn or is destined towards porn, that’s saying something.  My first impression upon drinking this Scotch was this: gratuitous image of giant phallic symbol erupting.  And yes, I do mean to imply that this UK booze is akin to drinking Led Zeppelin.  In fact, this Scotch is equivalent to the wah-wah peddle on Jimmy Page’s guitar in “Trampled Under Foot“.  Yeah, it’s that fucking good.

{Full list by Mr. Smarty Pants}

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