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10 Tips To Make Your Shit Job Tolerable When At The Holiday Party

on 09/12/10 at 5:37 pm

Booze News, BoozeBlog

Intrepid BoozeNews.com reporter, D.R. Stewart, advises:

How to navigate your holiday party so you don’t get BRAIN CANCER!!!!!

The above fear bomb has been a headline on Yahoo, MSN, and various homepages starting around Thanksgiving.

Well, actually the headlines reads more like:  “10 tips to avoid getting fired after your holiday party.” But the tenor of the story feels like the fate awaiting any slip up at the old company shindig is vivisection.
Is the carnage really that bad?
Do we really need 10 tips?
One tip — DO NOT DRINK.

The others are all oh so Windows-96 dressing.
Will we let the joy killers back us off our office party saturnalia?

Ahh, the O-Party. The one thing that made a shitty job palatable. At many of my places of employ, people would dream all year about the party. “It’s just free food, people,” some folks would say to stomp mirth. No, it’s also free booze, but more than that — it was a chance to transport yourself to Drunky Land and then act out your various aggressions in an unsafe environment. Sexual congress, bold statements, artistic interpretative dance — the office party gave people the stories that could get them through another dreary life-less year in Cubical Town.

If your office didn’t send someone to jail, you had a dud. An O-Party should make management nervous. They should be so nervous, they drink to compensate and then have sex with underlings. THAT’S how to have an Oh-Oh-Oh God Party.

At one office party I was at, the men suddenly decided to lift their woman off the floor during dancing. Just pick them up like little dolls. The first fella did it, and suddenly all the men were picking up their gals, holding them aloft in the air while gyrating. Where did this superhuman strength come from —  it was like fossil fuel, impacted and created by the super soul-killing atmosphere of another year in a fluorescent tomb.

The woman would buy their dresses in October, the men would reserve hotel rooms. I remember one October planning session for the party where a gal demanded that NO significant others be allowed to come. She ended-up (and she did end-up that night) having significant sex with a man at that party. Her arguments in October, netted her sex in December.

The office party should take Fezziwig as it’s model. He’s Scrooge’s boss, who Scrooge views through the mist of Christmas past. Clear the chairs and bring out the fiddler. Do the Reel. Party like it’s Fezziwig, baby!  Party like a rat packer, like you’re at Joey Bishop’s wake. Did you get slapped by someone? Good! Did you spill a drink? Good!

The only way to not get fired after an office party, is to create a situation where there were SO MANY inappropriate acts, that they CAN’T FIRE EVERYBODY. That’s the genius of the O- party. You can’t kill so many of the sailors that the boat just floats. And, if in this environment — you still managed to get fired? C’mon, admit it … you probably wanted out anyway.

10 Tips to make your Shit Job tolerable when at the Holiday Party.

1.  Get Crunk
2.  Get Crunker
3.  You know where this is going …

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